


fed up of being the one that you lean on, i want to be the one that you dream of

by cafephan



Series: Glory Days albumfic [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2010!phan, Angst, Comfort, Songfic, Unrequited Love, but there are elements of, honestly just listen to the song and you'll understand, it sounds angsty but isn't really at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 21:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: After their 2009 romance fizzled into nothing, Phil is left with feelings he’s sure are no longer reciprocated. When Dan turns up at Phil’s flat at three in the morning after romance troubles of his own, Phil is torn between his head and his heart.





	fed up of being the one that you lean on, i want to be the one that you dream of

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is a songfic to If I Get My Way by Little Mix, though it’s a much different comfort than the song implies, if you just listen to it (which i HIGHLY recommend) you’ll get what I mean lmao but yeah, part two of the albumfic and the first fic of 2018 yay

For the longest time, Phil hadn’t known quite what was missing from his life. He had the best family he ever could’ve hoped for, supportive in every way, and friends that he knew would stick by him, no major hiccups in life, not since he graduated school. But there was always something, though he pushed it to the back of his mind, it always crept into focus in the early hours of the morning, a mist-like shadow, almost, taunting him.

Then along came Dan Howell, and things just clicked. In true cliché movie style, the second Dan was in his arms, the mist took shape, transforming into the boy Phil now held. The butterflies barely died down even for a second whilst he was in Dan’s company that first week, and every form of contact they had after that. That week still brings a slight blush to Phil’s cheeks and an inevitable smile.

When Dan moved to Manchester for university, Phil could hardly believe it. Though he tried his hardest to remain impartial when Dan discussed university options with him, he couldn’t help but boast about Manchester’s amenities, casting particular attention onto Dan’s favourite places they’d visited together.

In the first couple of months of university, Dan was around at Phil’s flat all the time, his countless Law textbooks littering the coffee table in the living room, not that Phil minded in the slightest. Every second he was in Dan’s company, he was trying to formulate just the right words to say what had been on his mind for what seemed like the longest time, since things kind of fizzled out in the beginning, much to Phil’s immense disappointment. But he still held a wisp of hope, and his gut feeling was that Dan did too.

Then Dan’s visits dropped to once a week, and the majority of his time was caught up with Eleanor, who, from Phil’s knowledge, only shared one module with Dan.

Now, Phil knows what’s missing from his life. The absence of his best friend who was almost something more, now caught up in a whirlwind romance.

When there’s a knock on Phil’s door at three in the morning, so quiet he would’ve missed it if he wasn’t waiting for it, he swings the door open and immediately pulls Dan in for a hug. The boy hugs him back, though his posture is sagging and he’s clearly low on energy. Phil ushers him inside and sits him on the sofa, switching the kettle on as he walks over to join his guest.

“I did what you said,” Dan shrugs, “I gave her a second chance.”

Phil’s mother had always said he was too kindhearted for his own good. So when he ran into Eleanor at the coffeeshop near his flat the other week (he knew _exactly_ what she looked like, he may had taken a look at her Facebook profile after Dan tagged her in a status once), hand in another guy’s hand, laughing and sharing coffee kisses, he’d told Dan, but with an accompanying ‘maybe she can explain’. Before Dan could even respond, Phil had blurted out something about everyone deserving a second chance, then made an excuse to leave before he continued to say ‘and so do we’.

“And?” Phil battles the lump in his throat. Though it should probably be obvious given their situation, since Eleanor entered Dan’s life he’d learned not to assume anything. He’d thought Dan felt the same way he did, but clearly he was wrong about that. He’s not sure if he could handle a ‘we’re back together’, but a good best friend would sit and nod and smile at the news, so that’s what he’d force himself to do.

Dan opens his mouth to respond, just as the kettle clicks.

“Hold that thought,” Phil holds up a finger and dashes over to the kitchen, and begins pouring the water into both of their mugs.

An extra dash of milk for Dan’s hot chocolate, a generous sprinkling of mini marshmallows, a Twix bar resting on the side, and a thin topping of cocoa powder. He knows Dan would be too embarrassed to ever ask, but thankfully Phil knows Dan more than he thinks the other realises.

He quickly finishes his own coffee, and carefully carries both mugs back over to the sofa, and smiles as Dan’s eyes widen.

“You didn’t have to go through all that effort for me.”

Phil dismisses the comment with a wave of his hand and settles back into the sofa.

“So, you were saying?”

Dan cradles the mug in his hands and looks down into it. “He was there.”

Phil feels his stomach drop, and his instinct is to reach over to comfort his friend, but he doesn’t. He knows Dan, and he knows that he needs to get through the whole story. He’d be restless otherwise.

“And I was like,” Dan shakes his head, causing his messy fringe to fully cover his eyes. He sighs. “I just stood there, I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I didn’t have it in me to scream or swear or shout, I just felt… I don’t even know.”

“And that’s okay,” Phil says softly, and takes a sip of his coffee. “You don’t always have to know.”

Dan turns to face him. “A girl cheated on me and I was too chicken to do anything about it, and that’s okay?” He laughs bitterly.

“Yes,” Phil insists, and rests his mug on the coffee table, pushing one of the few textbooks Dan now left at the flat out of the way. “You’re not chicken for not knowing how to handle a situation like that. It’s not exactly something that happens every day.”

“But what if it happens again?” Dan’s voice is smaller now, “What if every partner I have in the future just cheats on me? And because I don’t have the balls to do anything about it they’ll just do it again? What then?”

Phil studies Dan’s face as he speaks, and there’s no sign he’s been crying, he just looks tired.

“You’ll keep going until you find the right person.”

Dan laughs weakly. “What kind of shit advice is that?”

“I can’t tell you people _won’t_ cheat on you because I haven’t mastered the art of mind manipulation and mind reading,” he taps his temple, and smiles when it elicits a small smile out of Dan, “But what I _can_ tell you is when you meet the right person they’ll treat you like you deserve, and they’ll spend every day making you believe all the lovely things they whisper as you fall asleep in their arms.”

At least, he thinks, that’s what _he’d_ do.

“How do you know that?” Dan cocks his head to the side slightly. “How do you know this ‘right person’, hypothetically let’s say they even exist, would do those things?”

“Because I’d kick their ass if they didn’t.” Phil’s reply is instantaneous, and he feels a warmth in his chest when Dan smiles widely, and places his mug on the table beside Phil’s and reaches over to hug him, resting his head on Phil’s chest and wrapping his arms around his torso.

“I’d pay to see you kick anyone’s ass,” Dan says, not quite having enough energy in him to project a joking tone of voice, but Phil laughs anyway.

“I’d work out, I’d be hench as fuck. They wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“Sure you would, Philly,” Dan hasn’t used the nickname in a while, a long long while, and it hits Phil more than he ever thought it would. He tightens his grip on Dan.

What feels like a lifetime of silence passes, Phil doesn’t know quite what to say.

“I thought you didn’t like Twix bars?” Dan points with his toes to his hot chocolate, specifically the Twix bar sticking out of it, the majority of the chocolate now melted off.

“I don’t, not particularly,” Phil answers, and moves a few strands of Dan’s hair out of the way so he can hear him more clearly, “But I know you do.”

Dan doesn’t respond, just tightens his arms around Phil’s torso and snuggles more into him, and Phil prays Dan doesn’t hear how much faster his heartrate has become.

“Dan,” Phil eventually breaks the silence a few minutes later, and Dan hums in response. Phil takes a breath. “It’s not your fault, you know.”

Silence falls over them again, and Phil starts to wonder if Dan even heard him, before he feels the younger boy start to shake slightly, and it’s only a few seconds later he feels Dan begin to cry against his chest, the tears soaking through his shirt despite Dan’s attempts at keeping them at bay by squeezing his eyes shut.

Phil slowly sits up, taking Dan with him, and pulls him in close when they’re in a more comfortable position. He holds Dan as close as he can and just lets him cry, not saying a word, because he knows it’s what Dan needs. He knows Dan has probably been holding it in since the first incident with Eleanor, and he knows Dan doesn’t like showing weakness, crying would never be a conceivable option for him to deal with the situation.

Phil holds him until the tears slow down and his breathing slowly returns to normal, at which point Dan gently pulls away and wipes his eyes.

“Thank you,” his voice is barely above a whisper, “I-I guess I really needed that.”

“There’s no need to thank me.” Phil pats Dan’s knee and gets up from the sofa. “I’ll go run you a bath, help you relax a bit more.”

Dan smiles, though his eyes are still glimmering. “Can I-“

“Twilight bath bomb, pine scented candles and Muse on the speaker?” Phil asks, and Dan’s eyes widen, and he nods slowly.

“How did you…”

Phil shrugs. “I know you, dork.”

Dan smiles and looks down at his lap, where he is playing with his fingers. “You’re the dork.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“You’re the worst,” There’s no malice in Dan’s words.

Phil hesitates for a moment, then dips down and presses a kiss to the top of Dan’s head.

Immediately, Dan snaps his head up to look at him, and Phil’s heart races in his chest, he can practically hear it pounding in his ears.

But there’s no hint of disgust or anger in Dan’s expression, in his eyes, only an emotion Phil can’t quite decipher laced with the smallest sense of confusion.

Dan’s lips are parted slightly, and with their faces now being so close together, Phil’s almost certain he sees Dan lean in ever so slightly, at which point he swiftly jumps back, and heads for the bathroom.

“I’ll be back soon, okay? Put whatever you want on the tv.”

Dan’s still looking at him with that same expression, but he nods, and Phil disappears into the bathroom to run the bath, despite it being nearing five in the morning. He has all the time in the world for Dan, and he doesn’t regret a thing.

When the bath is full and the bath bomb is fizzing away, Phil heads back into the living room and ruffles Dan’s hair.

Naturally, Dan jumps ten feet in the air and clutches his hand over his heart, looking adorably flustered in that special way he does, and Phil swallows back the urge to tell him so.

“You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, you dick,” Dan’s voice is breathy, and Phil almost feels bad for liking it. Again, there’s no malice in his words, and Phil grins down at him.

“Your bath awaits,” he gestures towards the bathroom. “Towel and everything is laid out ready, and I put some clothes of mine in there so you can get changed afterwards.”

Dan nods, and gets up from the sofa, and comes to stand in front of him. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, and furrows his eyebrows for a second or two. “Thank you.”

It clearly isn’t what he wanted to say, but Phil decides not to pry.

“For everything, I mean.” Dan adds, and takes a step closer.

Again, his heart begins to race, and he begins to wonder if Dan can hear it from where he is. Dan takes Phil’s hands in his and holds them loosely, and any progress Phil thinks he’s made in getting over Dan shatters entirely.

“I don’t deserve you,” Dan is looking down at their linked hands, and he begins gently swaying them side to side. “I really don’t.”

“I don’t deserve _you,_ ” Phil replies, not taking his eyes off of Dan. Not that he could if he wanted to. Which he doesn’t. “And neither does she _._ ”

At this, Dan meets his gaze, and every cliché imaginable runs through Phil’s mind. A big part of him wants to tell Dan all of them, repeat them until he believes them, but again, he knows Dan well. He knows he won’t believe them right away, especially not when he’s hurting like he is, he knows Dan’s not letting on just how much that is.

So when Dan begins to lean in again, his eyes fluttering closed, Phil swallows thickly and takes a step back, but still keeps hold of one of Dan’s hands.

A blush creeps across Dan’s cheeks as his eyes open again, and his free hand wipes helplessly at his eyes again. Eventually, they meet Phil’s.

“I-“

“Dan,” Phil interjects before Dan has a chance. “You’re tired, you’re hurting over Eleanor, you don’t know what you want right now.”

Dan shakes his head and closes the space between them that Phil created mere seconds before. “I _do._ I want-“

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Phil swallows thickly, and ignores the part of him that’s screaming at him to shut up and just let Dan kiss him. “Because I know you’re not thinking rationally right now. You’re emotional and you’re-“

“Phil, I’m not a fucking kid. I don’t need to be told what I’m feeling and what’s best for me. I know what I want.”

Phil closes his eyes and takes a breath. “Dan, please listen to me. I’m not saying no, I’m just saying tomorrow, later today even. When we’ve both had some sleep and things have settled down a bit more and we can both think clearly, you know?”

Dan bites his lip for a few seconds, his gaze never leaving Phil’s. It almost makes Phil want to cave in.

“You’re right,” he says eventually. He squeezes Phil’s hand softly and wraps his arms around him a tight hug, though Phil distinctly notices how Dan presses his body closer to him than he did in their last hug, and though he’s not complaining, he’s sure Dan’s doing it to prove a point.

“When you get out of your bath we can carry on watching that show we were binging together,” Phil says, his head resting on Dan’s. He’s always enjoyed the slight height difference, yet he can’t bring himself to be disappointed that Dan is slowly but surely growing to be taller than him. Quite frankly, he enjoys it.

When they break apart, Dan is smiling.

“You didn’t watch any more episodes without me?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Phil mock-salutes, and Dan rolls his eyes playfully.

“You’re such a dork,” Dan lightly swats Phil on the arm. “And if you say ‘takes one to know one’, I’m literally disowning you.”

Phil runs a lock-and-key motion across his lips, and Dan rolls his eyes again.

They stare at each other for a little longer, and Phil wonders if Dan is going to lean in again, but he doesn’t. Instead he reaches for Phil’s hand and squeezes it, and smiles at him again before leaving for his bath.

Phil sits back down on the sofa and runs his hands through his hair, his mind racing as he thinks over what just happened. He immediately thinks up a million and one possibilities, and attempts to distract himself by setting up the tv show ready for whenever Dan returns.  

Without even thinking, he loads up Dan’s favourite episode, which fortunately only happens to be a few behind from the one they left off at. He sets the remote down beside him and retrieves his laptop, hoping someone he follows on some form of social media has an interesting 5am life he can get invested in for however long until Dan joins him again.

The bathroom door down the hallway slowly creaks open whilst Phil is in the middle of reading a particularly entertaining thread of YouTube comments one of his friends has tweeted.

“Can I ask a favour?” Dan calls.

“Depends what it is!” Phil calls back, and he can practically hear Dan scoff. They both know they’d do anything for each other.

“Can we maybe start watching my favourite episode first so we can really get back into it? It’s-“

“Season nineteen, episode six, yeah I’ve already loaded it up!”

“Are you fucking serious?” Dan calls, and Phil laughs, he can hear the disbelief in Dan’s tone.

“I know you too well!”

“Tell me about it!”

\--

When they’ve gotten through three more episodes, Phil can see Dan’s eyes batting closed at the other end of the sofa.

“You can take my bed, you know. I’ll crash here.” His offer is immediately met with a shake of Dan’s head, and the brunet crawls the short journey over and snuggles into Phil’s chest, pulling the blanket he was previously under over the two of them.

“Are you sure?” Phil asks, and Dan nods, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist.

Not that Phil minds, at all, but he’s still worried about Dan and what he might regret in the morning, but he only has so much self-restraint.

“Is this okay?” Dan asks a few minutes later, after Phil has switched the tv off and the room is plunged into darkness.

“It’s more than okay,” Phil replies, and runs his fingers through Dan’s hair, just once, he can’t help himself. “As long as you’re sure you won’t regret this when we wake up.”

Dan laughs softly, and momentarily tightens his arm around Phil’s waist. “I have better chance of being reborn out of a whale’s blowhole than regretting this when we wake up.”

“You’ve always had such a way with words.” Phil smiles, and Dan snuggles in even closer, and pulls the blanket up to his chin with his free hand. “I just want you to be happy, you know that, right?”

His question is met with silence, and Phil almost assumes Dan has finally fallen asleep.

“I think I will be now.”

And though Phil doesn’t completely know what that means, it makes his heart flutter nonetheless, and when Dan’s hand finds his under the blanket, their fingers entwined, he settles in for the most content sleep he’s had in months, and something in the back of his mind tells him this isn’t the last time he’ll be waking up beside Dan, and the smile he falls asleep with doesn’t leave him for hours.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter; bloggerhowell  
> tumblr; cafephan


End file.
